Internet Wars

If you ever feel like pulling your brains out, placing them on a four-lane highway, and watching fourteen semi-trucks run over them, then scraping up the brain mush, adding some lemon zest and a tiny umbrella, and depositing the whole mess back into your head...then why not read some of the comments on internet articles.

Seriously.

There is more nonsense, vitriol, insanity, hatred and divisiveness there than anywhere else in the galaxy. It's like people lose their minds when they go online. And I am on a mission to find my favorite internet wars and bring them to you. Because I just like to share.
You are SO welcome.

Internet War #1
(A fairy tale in which Goldilocks helps some liberals to understand a thing or two about how Obama and the Muslim Brotherhood made war against everybody.)
Comments come from an NPR article about child marriage.

Guy Makey NoSense:
"The historic record suggests that "Mary the Mother of god" was 15. Under the mother grizzly bear economy we see that the plan to manage global population is based on absence, god and guns. When the absence idea failed for one of the baby bears, we were told,(at half time of course) that humans have a strong desire to reproduce. This was told to us by a religious leader who hates birth control. Mean while US vets where on their 4th tour of duty in a false flag war where Bush2 was placed into power by the multimillionaire evangelicals on TV."
 (I am going to assume he meant abstinence, but I'm leaving comments the way they were written.)

Reasonable Lee Saneman:

"It is important to reflect on the idea that the need of our ancestors do not in themselves necessitate the persistence of Tradition. Mary was a teen bride and mother in an environment where family subsistence was difficult and dowries were common and normal. In that period there was not a concept of love in the same way we consider it, there were really only moments when individuals had a choice.
Beyond that, there is not much more I can parse from your comment other than that Christian organizations that lose their focus on God, and instead choose to focus on worldly aspirations are not good shepherds and do not reap good fruit."

Ranty McCrazypants:
"Gee, you seem to forget the ILLEGAL WARS started by Obama. Here, let me help you:
Egypt, Yemen, Libya, Qatar, Somolia, Sudan, Syria, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq, Tunisia, Kuwait, America."

Reasonably Lee Saneman:
" You seem to be of the opinion that we are at war with these places. You are mistaken. Please keep your discussion on topic."

Ranty McCrazypants:
 "I AM on topic, the topic you LIBERALS bring up to distract and deflect from the issue of this thread, child marriages. So if YOU all stay on topic, then maybe the rest of us could.
Now, as far as you saying that "we are not a war with these people" you are partly right. The muslim brotherhood took over ALL of those countries, INCLUDING the U.S.
However, I also believe that Pakistan and other countries under Obama's Drone attacks would consider it "war", as I and most people with the capacity to think for themselves know.
As far as the rest, those wars are over, the muslim brotherhood/al queda, funded, armed and supported by Obama ALREADY have taken over. Just because a war is over, doesn't mean it didn't happen!
Why not say it to >Guy Makey NoSense< to whom I was responding?
Oh, forgot, you won't hold your own (liberals) to the same standards or complaints you hold those who disagree with you and/or put the lie to the rhetoric and propaganda you LIberals push. Can't have that, people might actually learn something and see what is really going on."
----------------------------
I think we've all learned something today. America is like a teenager that can't keep it in his pants...at least if war is sex and the pants are foreign countries. Or no...foreign countries are like the cheerleaders we can't stop making out with and then things go to far, and...or...no..maybe. Whatever.
But I am missing one, seemingly vital bit of info. If the economy is Mama Bear, and people who can't stop having sex are Baby Bears...does that make the Muslim Brotherhood Papa Bear? Or is that Obama?

Oh, where is Reasonable Lee Saneman when I need him, to clear these things up for me?

Anyway, I'll keep sifting through the insanity, and if I find any particularly delicious crazy nuggets for you, I'll force you to read this crap too share the love.

Guess What I Found in My Boobs Today!

I know I cannot be the only person who has this problem- I am well-endowed in the chest area, (size DD) and so I have a built-in shelf. I also prefer scoop-neck shirts. They look better on me. So anything that gets dropped near my head will inevitably end up in my bra. I am also clumsy, so the odds that I am going to drop something in there are increased exponentially. And since my mouth is the thing directly above the cleavage, it's usually food that ends up in there.

Sigh.

I have come home from movies to find popcorn in my bra.
Cookie crumbs? Oh yeah.
Condiments of all types.
Small items like earring backs. Yep. They love to fall in there.

My husband teases me about it all the time. In fact, he thinks it is hilarious. Sometimes the reason I find popcorn in my bra is because he threw it in there when I wasn't looking. Sometimes he misses and hits me in the face. Awesome.

But today. Today was a new low.

I had eggs over-medium for breakfast.

Source

Yeah. And it wasn't like just a little drip fell in there. Most of a forkful of delicious, but oh-so-runny egg yolk went right into my cleavage and pooled into the bottom of my bra. Fortunately, there was no one present to witness my hysterical reaction to the gooey mess. But, you can assume it involved a fair amount of screaming, cursing and running for a change of clothes.

Sigh.

I wonder if they make fashionable bibs for adult women.

It's the End of the World...As We Know It

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and I have a lot to do in preparation for tomorrow, so I should be cleaning and cooking, but gosh darn it, it's Nov. 21, 2012, and according to groups of mentally unstable people, the end of the world is just one month away.
Except that it's not.

The whole Mayan thing is one of the more ridiculous doomsday prophesies we have had in the last several years. (And there have been MANY.) It assumes that when a calendar runs out, so does time. Now, folks- has that been your experience before? Does the world end every December 31st?

Nope.

To make you feel better, here are some of the failed doomsday prophecies throughout history:

• The year 634: Romans believe that Rome will be destroyed because of a myth that Romulus saw 12 eagles. 12x10= 120, and Rome hit its 120th birthday that year, so that means death and destruction, right? Wrong.
• 992: Good Friday falls on the day of the Feast of the Annunciation. The combined forces of 2 religious holidays would bring about the birth of the antichrist, and within 3 years, the world would end. Or the Wonder Twins would be created to destroy the Super Friends. Either one.
  

• 1033: Christians believe that Jesus will return on the 1000th anniversary of his crucifixion and resurrection. He declines the invitation.
• 1186: Some planets aligned. World was supposed to end. Decided lack of ending.
• 1524: Astrologists believe that a flood in London will trigger the end of the world. Ark prices skyrocket, only to plummet the following year.
• 1533: Mathematician, Michael Stifel predicts the end of the world down to the minute- October 19th at 8:00 am. Or maybe he forgot to carry the two.
• 1658: The year that Christopher Columbus predicted would be our last. This from the same guy who set out for India and ended up in America.
• 1697, 1716, 1736: Cotton Mather predicts the end of the world. Updates his prediction twice when it doesn't come true. Also opposed smallpox vaccines and supported killing innocent people accused of witchcraft. Basically, if it would end up historically being the wrong decision, Cotton was all for it.
• 1719: Mathematician, Jacob Bernoulli, predicts the earth will be destroyed by a comet. Dinosaurs get very excited about their big comeback, only to be let down again.
  

 

• 1892: Charles Piazzi Smyth studies the dimensions of the Great Pyramid, and somehow that tells him when the world will end. Disappointingly, the dimensions of the Sphinx's left testicle reveal nothing.
• 1920: The Bible Student Movement, which would go on to become the Jehovah's Witnesses, believes all governments will be destroyed by this year. Frustrated by their miscalculation, they go on a furious pamphlet printing campaign.
• 1925: Margaret Rowen has a vision of the angel, Gabriel, who tells her the end of the world will occur on February 13th. Millions of men neglect to buy Valentine's Day candies, believing it to be a waste of time. Millions of men sleep on the couch.
• 1954, leader of the Brotherhood of the Seven Rays, Dorothy Martin, receives messages from UFOs that tell her of another Great Flood that will destroy mankind. Her followers wait outside with their belongings to catch a lift. The UFOs forget to pick up their dry cleaning and have to rush to their kid's school play and forget to pick up their devotees.
• 1967: Jim Jones predicts the end of the world. Only if you drink the Kool-Aid, my friends, only if you drink the Kool-Aid.
• 1980s: Hal Lindsey predicts that the Eighties are the last decade. But even 10 years of bad hair and shoulder pads doesn't provoke God enough to destroy the world.
• 1982: Pat Robertson tries his hand at prediciting the end days. His powers of  prophesy prove false. But, this is the man who also believed that "paganists, abortionists, feminists and gays caused September 11th," even though no Earth-worshiping lesbian abortion doctors appear to have been on board any of the planes. 
• 1987: Leland Jensen believes Haley's Comet will wipe us out. Once again, the dinosaurs weep.
• 1990: Elizabeth Clare Prophet fails to live up to her name when she predicts nuclear war to start on April 23rd.
• 1994-2011: Harold Camping predicts the end of the world so many times that it just makes you feel bad for him that the world DIDN'T end.
• 1999: Y2K is supposed to crash all computers. Planes will fall out of the sky. Governments will collapse. Economies will fail. Or nothing will happen whatsoever.
• 2010: Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn says the world will end. No points for accuracy, but 20 points awarded for at least having a cool name.
  
  So, on December 22nd, if you're feeling a little sheepish about that stockpile of food and weapons in your basement...just save it for the next end of the world. It should only be maybe a year. I'm sure everything will keep until then.