It's the End of the World...As We Know It

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and I have a lot to do in preparation for tomorrow, so I should be cleaning and cooking, but gosh darn it, it's Nov. 21, 2012, and according to groups of mentally unstable people, the end of the world is just one month away.
Except that it's not.

The whole Mayan thing is one of the more ridiculous doomsday prophesies we have had in the last several years. (And there have been MANY.) It assumes that when a calendar runs out, so does time. Now, folks- has that been your experience before? Does the world end every December 31st?

Nope.

To make you feel better, here are some of the failed doomsday prophecies throughout history:

• The year 634: Romans believe that Rome will be destroyed because of a myth that Romulus saw 12 eagles. 12x10= 120, and Rome hit its 120th birthday that year, so that means death and destruction, right? Wrong.
• 992: Good Friday falls on the day of the Feast of the Annunciation. The combined forces of 2 religious holidays would bring about the birth of the antichrist, and within 3 years, the world would end. Or the Wonder Twins would be created to destroy the Super Friends. Either one.
  

• 1033: Christians believe that Jesus will return on the 1000th anniversary of his crucifixion and resurrection. He declines the invitation.
• 1186: Some planets aligned. World was supposed to end. Decided lack of ending.
• 1524: Astrologists believe that a flood in London will trigger the end of the world. Ark prices skyrocket, only to plummet the following year.
• 1533: Mathematician, Michael Stifel predicts the end of the world down to the minute- October 19th at 8:00 am. Or maybe he forgot to carry the two.
• 1658: The year that Christopher Columbus predicted would be our last. This from the same guy who set out for India and ended up in America.
• 1697, 1716, 1736: Cotton Mather predicts the end of the world. Updates his prediction twice when it doesn't come true. Also opposed smallpox vaccines and supported killing innocent people accused of witchcraft. Basically, if it would end up historically being the wrong decision, Cotton was all for it.
• 1719: Mathematician, Jacob Bernoulli, predicts the earth will be destroyed by a comet. Dinosaurs get very excited about their big comeback, only to be let down again.
  

 

• 1892: Charles Piazzi Smyth studies the dimensions of the Great Pyramid, and somehow that tells him when the world will end. Disappointingly, the dimensions of the Sphinx's left testicle reveal nothing.
• 1920: The Bible Student Movement, which would go on to become the Jehovah's Witnesses, believes all governments will be destroyed by this year. Frustrated by their miscalculation, they go on a furious pamphlet printing campaign.
• 1925: Margaret Rowen has a vision of the angel, Gabriel, who tells her the end of the world will occur on February 13th. Millions of men neglect to buy Valentine's Day candies, believing it to be a waste of time. Millions of men sleep on the couch.
• 1954, leader of the Brotherhood of the Seven Rays, Dorothy Martin, receives messages from UFOs that tell her of another Great Flood that will destroy mankind. Her followers wait outside with their belongings to catch a lift. The UFOs forget to pick up their dry cleaning and have to rush to their kid's school play and forget to pick up their devotees.
• 1967: Jim Jones predicts the end of the world. Only if you drink the Kool-Aid, my friends, only if you drink the Kool-Aid.
• 1980s: Hal Lindsey predicts that the Eighties are the last decade. But even 10 years of bad hair and shoulder pads doesn't provoke God enough to destroy the world.
• 1982: Pat Robertson tries his hand at prediciting the end days. His powers of  prophesy prove false. But, this is the man who also believed that "paganists, abortionists, feminists and gays caused September 11th," even though no Earth-worshiping lesbian abortion doctors appear to have been on board any of the planes. 
• 1987: Leland Jensen believes Haley's Comet will wipe us out. Once again, the dinosaurs weep.
• 1990: Elizabeth Clare Prophet fails to live up to her name when she predicts nuclear war to start on April 23rd.
• 1994-2011: Harold Camping predicts the end of the world so many times that it just makes you feel bad for him that the world DIDN'T end.
• 1999: Y2K is supposed to crash all computers. Planes will fall out of the sky. Governments will collapse. Economies will fail. Or nothing will happen whatsoever.
• 2010: Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn says the world will end. No points for accuracy, but 20 points awarded for at least having a cool name.
  
  So, on December 22nd, if you're feeling a little sheepish about that stockpile of food and weapons in your basement...just save it for the next end of the world. It should only be maybe a year. I'm sure everything will keep until then.