These Are a Few of My Least Favorite Things

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens can stay, but there are a few things that have been going around that I am just utterly sick of. Can we retire a few of these, please?

1. Mustache Everything

Don't get me wrong. Mustaches ARE cool. So are beards and goatees and chops. Grow them if you can. But the t-shirts, buttons, glasses with attached plastic mustaches, purses, earrings, cell phone covers, necklaces, and even tattoos, need to die. Donate it to Goodwill. You don't look clever in your "Excuse me, I mustache you a question" shirt. Less so in the glasses. If you tattooed yourself a finger-stache, cover it up with a caterpillar or something. It's facial hair, man, not a way of life. It was cute for 15 minutes. Move on.

2. Keep Calm, and Carry On

There are so many versions of this. Some of them gave me a chuckle...a year ago. Now? I'm struggling to keep calm, and I'm about to carry you over a cliff with all of your posters.

3. Bacon.

Not the ACTUAL food. I'll eat some bacon. Yum yum yum. But dear lord, people. There are other flavors. I don't need bacon-flavored toothpaste, bubblegum, breath mints, candy, soda, or cake frosting. (Cake frosting?? Seriously?) Nor, do I need matching bacon earrings to go with my bacon wallet, bacon shoes, and bacon watch. I like a nice steak too, but I wouldn't wear it on my arm, or floss with it.

4. Facebook Repost Guilt Trips

I care about cancer victims. That's why I'm on a Relay For Life team. Re-posting your guilt trip about how "95% of people won't re-post this re-post because they hate babies, kick puppies and and fart under the covers," doesn't cure cancer. It doesn't support the troops, stop autism, turn an atheist into a Christian, reverse global warming, or save a single animal in your local shelter. Furthermore, I have NEVER looked around at my Facebook newsfeed, and thought, "That Jessie girl never re-posts anything about Celiac Disease. What an a**hole."
Never. Once. In the history of ever.

5. Food Posts

"Here's what I made for dinner! Angel hair, tossed with snail mucous, kale, raisins and garlic, sprinkled with creamed corn and just a hint of nutmeg."
Why are you trying to make me vomit?
They are everywhere. Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, Pinterest, My Space (does anyone still use that?)
Often, the food LOOKS gross, or they are describing the most god-awful  sounding thing imaginable. If you're lucky, it's a mediocre picture of a mediocre lasagna. Which is still just boring.
There are only a few exceptions. If you are a chef, or an author of a food column, ok. Just share the interesting or really awesome recipes on social media. Make sure you have a good photo of your food, and a mouth-watering description.
I cook a lot. Most of it tastes pretty great. Most of it looks fairly average. None of it is interesting enough to share with every single person I know.

6. Name a Thing Without This Letter

Have you seen these going around?  "Name a state without an 'A' in the name? I bet you can't!"
5 seconds later, I'm like -Wyoming. That was dumb.
"Name a band that doesn't have an 'S' in the title."
-The Who. Boooooooring.
What about numbers without an "e"?
-Two.
Well, um....what about the name of a tropical rain forest mammal that eats only bees and sleeps in a cocoon made of hair, and doesn't have the letter "r" in its name?
-Ok, now I have to think for more than two seconds. Challenge accepted.


So, let's take these things and shove them in the canon. The one that we fire out over the ocean. Ok?
Yeah. That'd be great. Thanks.